I have to apologize for not posting for awhile. I've been extremely busy at work (everyone trying to refinance before the rates go back up) and have been too tired when I come home at night.
By the 4th day after my second treatment (the 15th), I was extremely tired. I only worked a half day that day because I had a PCP appointment that afternoon. Dr. B. was happy with my outlook. He said I seemed in a better frame of mind. I think it was more the fact that something was finally happening with my treatment then the drugs, but I'm still taking them. He also told me I was working too much and to remember that I was fighting a fight and needed my strength.
On the 17th, MFD and I were going to the Bride Show at the Hilton downtown. When I woke up that morning, I told BDHA that I was thinking he should buzz cut my hair that afternoon. I had these huge clumps of hair everywhere and it was starting to really gross me out. After the show, while waiting for MFD to get the car, I called BDHA and said "Find your clippers. It's coming off!" The three of us went upstairs to the bathroom (MFS was away at school) and I sat on a chair with my back to the mirror. My scalp was really sensitive so it hurt when he used the clippers. The first time I looked at myself in the mirror, I started to cry but was able to stop myself. I still had hair that was about 1/4 " long and it was bristley. Every time I touched my head, the hairs would poke me and hurt. BDHA left on a trip and for two days, every time I laid down, my head would hurt because of the hair. When he came back, I had him use his new electric shaver and get a closer cut. Because he had to push to get a really close shave and it hurt, he didn't. You can still see my hair and can tell that I still to this day, have a lot but it doesn't hurt.
I have the one wig I ordered through the catalog and I wear it occasionally. It is tight and gives me a headache after awhile. It's also fly-away and is constantly in my face driving me crazy. It also is nowhere near as warm as my real hair. My body heat regulator apparently is the back of my neck cause I'm constantly freezing now. I wear a scarf wrapped around my neck to stay warm.
I go Saturday to pick up the other wig. I hope it fits better and looks nice.
Mostly at work I wear a pink steelers knit hat. It's appropriate at this time (GO STEELERS!) and it keeps my head warm. I have to go pick out yarn and a pattern for my MoM to crochet me a hat or two.
What I've changed my mind about today....it's amazing how quickly one can go through the stages of grief (over losing my hair).
1. Shock & Denial--maybe I'll be different and not lose my hair
2. Pain & Guilt-if I hadn't been so lazy and had the mammos once a year I might not have had to go through the chemo.
3. Anger & Bargaining--Just let me only lose a little.
4. Depression--Zoloft seems to work.
5. The Upward Turn--Hey..maybe I won't lose it all after all (after 1st chemo)
6. Working through--I'm comfortable walking around with just a hat even though people can tell I've lost my hair. It's their problem and let them deal with it.
7. Acceptance--I've actually gotten comfortable enough to show my bald head to people at work. I actually still have a lot of hair left but it's no longer falling out.
We're having a tailgating party at work tomorrow and we're supposed to wear our Steeler's gear. I fleetingly thought about painting half my head gold and the other half black. Naaah...
BDHA says when I don't have my wig or hat on, I look like Charlie Brown...okay..I do find that amusing.
My third chemo is on Monday, February 2nd. I'll post after that.
Good night.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
The Day After #2
I should have taken the Ativan last night. I went to bed after 11 p.m. I woke up at 3 a.m. and fidgeted until 5 a.m. when I turned on the news. I watched that until 5:30 when I finally got up and started getting ready for work. I made it in to work right before 7 a.m. I felt pretty good until around 5-6 p.m. when I started feeling tired, but got distracted by work again and didn't end up leaving until 8 p.m.
I plan on taking the Ativan and going to bed really soon. Like in about 15 minutes. I don't think I'll be going in quite as early tomorrow but who knows. I brushed out a huge handful of hair this morning. I think it's going to fall out fast and furious now. It's starting to bother me finding it all over the place and I probably will be asking BDHA to shave it soon.
People have asked me what drugs they're giving me and I finally found the papers. I'm getting Cyclophosphamide and Doxorubicin. Try typing that 10 times fast let alone saying it.
Today was another good day. The tumor seems to be shrinking and the side effects are practically nil. What more could I ask for? Okay...I have plenty of things I'd like to ask for but I'll save that for another post. Good night.
I plan on taking the Ativan and going to bed really soon. Like in about 15 minutes. I don't think I'll be going in quite as early tomorrow but who knows. I brushed out a huge handful of hair this morning. I think it's going to fall out fast and furious now. It's starting to bother me finding it all over the place and I probably will be asking BDHA to shave it soon.
People have asked me what drugs they're giving me and I finally found the papers. I'm getting Cyclophosphamide and Doxorubicin. Try typing that 10 times fast let alone saying it.
Today was another good day. The tumor seems to be shrinking and the side effects are practically nil. What more could I ask for? Okay...I have plenty of things I'd like to ask for but I'll save that for another post. Good night.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Chemo #2, WHAWC & Vanity is my favorite sin, part deux
CHEMO #2
Today was my second chemo treatment. The redness of my breast has gone down somewhat but that started happening before the 1st treatment. When both the fellow doctor (training?) and Dr. L felt the tumor they thought it was showing signs of shrinking already. I had called in about 12 days after the 1st because I was having a burning feeling where the tumor was located. It only lasted a day or so. When I talked to Dr. L about that today, I said it was either the tumor getting mad or the chemo was starting to kick the tumor's ass. Dr. L liked that..thought it was pretty funny.
Also both Dr. L's nurse and the chemo nurse were shocked that I still had so much hair left. Dr. L's nurse said she even looked at my chart to make sure they had given me the correct drugs the first time. I keep telling people...I have a LOT of hair. But it is coming out in handfuls and is all over the place.
They used the port today. I barely felt the needle go in. The only down side is that the flow goes in much slower so it took a little longer. Also, the area around the port started turning red last week so they gave an an anti-biotic to take for a week "just in case" it's an infection.
MFD went with me today as BDHA had to leave on a trip. We had a deal. She'd sit in with the doctor and in the chemo room only if we went to Jimmy John's for lunch afterwards. I had their Beach Club which is turkey, tomato, alfalfa sprouts and avocado on multi-grain bread. It was good and reminded me of living in San Diego.
MFD then picked up her friend, K, and we all three went to Macy's to sign her up for the wedding registry. (MFD, that is. She's getting married in Vegas at the Luxor on 07/08/09. SAVE THAT DATE!). It was great fun going around with the gun and zapping all the things you'd like. Of course, you probably won't get most of it but it's still fun! She's also registered at Tarjet.
WHAWC
I went to a meeting of the Ways & Means committee which was held tonight at Eat N' Park. MFD and K went also and I bought them dinner. We discussed our main fund raiser which will be a Murder Mystery Dinner on March 28th at the Doubletree in Moon. I also told the women who didn't know, that I had breast cancer. (You would be proud of me M of NL, I didn't cry once). I gave the president permission to post it in the newsletter and also to post this URL. I met one woman tonight, H, who is a flight attendant for USAir. I asked her if she knew BDHA and she thought his name sounded familiar and he kind of looked familiar (cell phone picture). However, when I mentioned that last year he had driven a bunch of flight attendants back to Pitt from Philly because all of the flights were full, in the van he kept there, she said "I was one of those!". Small world! I even let some of the woman (more like told them) to feel the tumor. It's on top and close to the skin so it wasn't like we were having a petting session in the back of the restaurant....though the head of the Arts Committee did have her camera and thought about taking a picture of it.... Besides, the main charity of the club this year is the Susan G. Komen Foundation. Nothing like hands-on research.
VANITY IS MY FAVORITE SIN, PART DEUX
I had forgotten to post some thoughts under this heading last time. This is about my hair falling out and looking different.
I told my family that once you lose your hair, you can't hide that you have cancer any more. People will look at you, think "cancer victim", "wonder how long she has", "stay away from her cause it might be catching". I will no longer be invisible. I thrive on being invisible.
After we had lived here a few years, I took BDHA's uniform into the cleaners. The clerk said "And when would you like to pick this up, Mrs. Gardner?" I went home and told BDHA we had to move because "They know who we are".
My entire childhood was spent reading. When my mother couldn't find me she would start opening the closets. I would be in one with a flashlight reading. It was the only peace and quiet I got from my 4 siblings. She got so frustrated with me not knowing what was going on in the real world that I had to tell her one new thing I saw on the bus either on my way to school or on my way back or I would be punished (probably lose my library priviledges, I can't remember now). She was totally amazed at the things I would tell her I saw that I never knew were there because I had never paid attention. To this day, I can get so engrossed in work that people could be standing over me talking to me and I wouldn't realize it.
When I'm at parties, I just like to sit back and listen. I'll say something once in awhile but mostly I'll listen. I also don't drink that much so it becomes MUCH more interesting when everyone else does. I can remember things they said/did that they don't remember. Comes in handy later (kidding).
Today was another good, successful CHEMO day. I plan to be at work tomorrow though it's awfully late right now...probably won't get up as early. Good night...
Today was my second chemo treatment. The redness of my breast has gone down somewhat but that started happening before the 1st treatment. When both the fellow doctor (training?) and Dr. L felt the tumor they thought it was showing signs of shrinking already. I had called in about 12 days after the 1st because I was having a burning feeling where the tumor was located. It only lasted a day or so. When I talked to Dr. L about that today, I said it was either the tumor getting mad or the chemo was starting to kick the tumor's ass. Dr. L liked that..thought it was pretty funny.
Also both Dr. L's nurse and the chemo nurse were shocked that I still had so much hair left. Dr. L's nurse said she even looked at my chart to make sure they had given me the correct drugs the first time. I keep telling people...I have a LOT of hair. But it is coming out in handfuls and is all over the place.
They used the port today. I barely felt the needle go in. The only down side is that the flow goes in much slower so it took a little longer. Also, the area around the port started turning red last week so they gave an an anti-biotic to take for a week "just in case" it's an infection.
MFD went with me today as BDHA had to leave on a trip. We had a deal. She'd sit in with the doctor and in the chemo room only if we went to Jimmy John's for lunch afterwards. I had their Beach Club which is turkey, tomato, alfalfa sprouts and avocado on multi-grain bread. It was good and reminded me of living in San Diego.
MFD then picked up her friend, K, and we all three went to Macy's to sign her up for the wedding registry. (MFD, that is. She's getting married in Vegas at the Luxor on 07/08/09. SAVE THAT DATE!). It was great fun going around with the gun and zapping all the things you'd like. Of course, you probably won't get most of it but it's still fun! She's also registered at Tarjet.
WHAWC
I went to a meeting of the Ways & Means committee which was held tonight at Eat N' Park. MFD and K went also and I bought them dinner. We discussed our main fund raiser which will be a Murder Mystery Dinner on March 28th at the Doubletree in Moon. I also told the women who didn't know, that I had breast cancer. (You would be proud of me M of NL, I didn't cry once). I gave the president permission to post it in the newsletter and also to post this URL. I met one woman tonight, H, who is a flight attendant for USAir. I asked her if she knew BDHA and she thought his name sounded familiar and he kind of looked familiar (cell phone picture). However, when I mentioned that last year he had driven a bunch of flight attendants back to Pitt from Philly because all of the flights were full, in the van he kept there, she said "I was one of those!". Small world! I even let some of the woman (more like told them) to feel the tumor. It's on top and close to the skin so it wasn't like we were having a petting session in the back of the restaurant....though the head of the Arts Committee did have her camera and thought about taking a picture of it.... Besides, the main charity of the club this year is the Susan G. Komen Foundation. Nothing like hands-on research.
VANITY IS MY FAVORITE SIN, PART DEUX
I had forgotten to post some thoughts under this heading last time. This is about my hair falling out and looking different.
I told my family that once you lose your hair, you can't hide that you have cancer any more. People will look at you, think "cancer victim", "wonder how long she has", "stay away from her cause it might be catching". I will no longer be invisible. I thrive on being invisible.
After we had lived here a few years, I took BDHA's uniform into the cleaners. The clerk said "And when would you like to pick this up, Mrs. Gardner?" I went home and told BDHA we had to move because "They know who we are".
My entire childhood was spent reading. When my mother couldn't find me she would start opening the closets. I would be in one with a flashlight reading. It was the only peace and quiet I got from my 4 siblings. She got so frustrated with me not knowing what was going on in the real world that I had to tell her one new thing I saw on the bus either on my way to school or on my way back or I would be punished (probably lose my library priviledges, I can't remember now). She was totally amazed at the things I would tell her I saw that I never knew were there because I had never paid attention. To this day, I can get so engrossed in work that people could be standing over me talking to me and I wouldn't realize it.
When I'm at parties, I just like to sit back and listen. I'll say something once in awhile but mostly I'll listen. I also don't drink that much so it becomes MUCH more interesting when everyone else does. I can remember things they said/did that they don't remember. Comes in handy later (kidding).
Today was another good, successful CHEMO day. I plan to be at work tomorrow though it's awfully late right now...probably won't get up as early. Good night...
Friday, January 9, 2009
"Vanity is my favorite sin"
"Vanity is my favorite sin" is the last line in the movie "Devil's Advocate". It was spoken by Al Pacino (the devil). It's another good movie and gave me the willies for a long time.
I've begun losing a lot of hair. Every time I run my hand through my hair, I get a handful. I was holding off on washing it for fear it would all fall out in the shower. I finally did tonight and a lot came out. I still have hair, probably as much as a normal person has. I've always had a lot (and I mean a LOT) of hair. Every hair dresser I've ever gone to has commented on it. It takes them forever to dry it which cuts into their time for the next person. Not anymore!
I was talking to a senior vice president of our sister company, SL, this past week and I told her "I always used to say "if it was socially acceptable to be bald, I'd shave my head'". HA! Be careful what you wish for. I now realize I had no clue as to my true feelings about this issue. Apparently I was wrong. I do care. A lot.
BDHA seems over anxious to help me shave my head. I think he's hoping that it still continues to grow in for a while so he can tell how grey I really am. Sorry..you'll have to wait until this project is over before I'll let you see that :)
We went wig shopping last Saturday. They had lots of wigs to choose from. They were all in order of size. They had around 30 petite styles to choose from, over 100 styles to choose from if you were medium and only 6, 6!!! to choose from if you were large. I picked a large one out and ordered it in a dark color close to my own. I mean Philip Pelusi's (hair salon) color. It's pretty non-descript but it was all there was to choose from. There were at least two in the medium size that I absolutely loved but they didn't come in large. They'll call me when it comes in and hopefully they'll style the bangs for me. I told BDHA that I had a big head because I had so many brains. His reply "ya right". Someone at work today said "Or all that empty space". Hmmm..
Tomorrow morning I have to get myself to MWH for a blood test. I have to take one right before each chemo treatment. My next one is Monday. They want to see how my white/red cell counts are doing. Then I have to stop at the pharmacy and pick up the magic pills (anti-nausea) and then head into work. We're moving to a different building over the weekend and I need to finish packing up the rest of my stuff. MFS came in to work tonight and helped me move a few boxes to the other building.
Other than that I've been doing well. Tired but nothing I can't overcome for the most part. I did hit my alarm off button this morning and fell back asleep for another 20 minutes. I don't remember ever doing that before.
Don't forget to root for the Steelers this weekend. The president of NL wore a T-shirt today that said "I'm a Ukrainian Steelers fan". I remembered seeing that in the strip district last weekend and thinking to myself "how many of those are they going to sell?" At least one! (You're published M).
I just realized how late it is here and should get to bed. I have to be at the hospital by 8 am in order to fit everything I have to do into the day. Good night everyone.
I've begun losing a lot of hair. Every time I run my hand through my hair, I get a handful. I was holding off on washing it for fear it would all fall out in the shower. I finally did tonight and a lot came out. I still have hair, probably as much as a normal person has. I've always had a lot (and I mean a LOT) of hair. Every hair dresser I've ever gone to has commented on it. It takes them forever to dry it which cuts into their time for the next person. Not anymore!
I was talking to a senior vice president of our sister company, SL, this past week and I told her "I always used to say "if it was socially acceptable to be bald, I'd shave my head'". HA! Be careful what you wish for. I now realize I had no clue as to my true feelings about this issue. Apparently I was wrong. I do care. A lot.
BDHA seems over anxious to help me shave my head. I think he's hoping that it still continues to grow in for a while so he can tell how grey I really am. Sorry..you'll have to wait until this project is over before I'll let you see that :)
We went wig shopping last Saturday. They had lots of wigs to choose from. They were all in order of size. They had around 30 petite styles to choose from, over 100 styles to choose from if you were medium and only 6, 6!!! to choose from if you were large. I picked a large one out and ordered it in a dark color close to my own. I mean Philip Pelusi's (hair salon) color. It's pretty non-descript but it was all there was to choose from. There were at least two in the medium size that I absolutely loved but they didn't come in large. They'll call me when it comes in and hopefully they'll style the bangs for me. I told BDHA that I had a big head because I had so many brains. His reply "ya right". Someone at work today said "Or all that empty space". Hmmm..
Tomorrow morning I have to get myself to MWH for a blood test. I have to take one right before each chemo treatment. My next one is Monday. They want to see how my white/red cell counts are doing. Then I have to stop at the pharmacy and pick up the magic pills (anti-nausea) and then head into work. We're moving to a different building over the weekend and I need to finish packing up the rest of my stuff. MFS came in to work tonight and helped me move a few boxes to the other building.
Other than that I've been doing well. Tired but nothing I can't overcome for the most part. I did hit my alarm off button this morning and fell back asleep for another 20 minutes. I don't remember ever doing that before.
Don't forget to root for the Steelers this weekend. The president of NL wore a T-shirt today that said "I'm a Ukrainian Steelers fan". I remembered seeing that in the strip district last weekend and thinking to myself "how many of those are they going to sell?" At least one! (You're published M).
I just realized how late it is here and should get to bed. I have to be at the hospital by 8 am in order to fit everything I have to do into the day. Good night everyone.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Mind over Matter
Today is the first day that I did not go in to work because of feeling tired. I spent the entire day yesterday (New Year's Day) sleeping/napping on the couch. I was supposed to go out to lunch with MFS and run an errand at PetsMart (big bag of dog food for Mr. Whacko). By the time I got out of the shower I was too tired to go anywhere but back on the couch. MFS ended up getting take-out from Olive Garden and going to PetsMart by himself.
Today when I got up, I just could not make myself get going. I'm the kind of person who normally jumps out of bed and is raring to go. I'm a morning person. I kept thinking that if I was this tired, my immune system must be shutting down. So many people at work are coughing and sneezing and sick, I just didn't want to chance it.
I didn't do anything today but nap off and on. I need to do what the nurse said. She said if you lay around you'll feel worse. I need to keep active. After eating dinner, I did the dishes and felt okay.
Tomorrow morning, BDHA and I are going to drive to Monroeville to visit Cammuso's Hair Salon to check out their selection of wigs. I found a hair on my brush this morning that had the follicle still attached. My hair is also drying out. He keeps telling me to get more than one wig. He really wants one that look's like Dorothy Hamill's wedge cut from the 70's. I used to have my hair cut like hers while in college. He had a crush on her. I don't think I'm ready to go that short again.
I was supposed to fly to Philly tomorrow with BDHA and come home on Sunday. He would continue on with his trip. I've decided that going on an airplane would not be the best thing for me right now. You hear about airplanes being full of sick air.
We're watching "Lars and the Real Girl" right now. It's pretty funny. I recommend it. I'll post tomorrow and let you know how the wig hunt went.
Today when I got up, I just could not make myself get going. I'm the kind of person who normally jumps out of bed and is raring to go. I'm a morning person. I kept thinking that if I was this tired, my immune system must be shutting down. So many people at work are coughing and sneezing and sick, I just didn't want to chance it.
I didn't do anything today but nap off and on. I need to do what the nurse said. She said if you lay around you'll feel worse. I need to keep active. After eating dinner, I did the dishes and felt okay.
Tomorrow morning, BDHA and I are going to drive to Monroeville to visit Cammuso's Hair Salon to check out their selection of wigs. I found a hair on my brush this morning that had the follicle still attached. My hair is also drying out. He keeps telling me to get more than one wig. He really wants one that look's like Dorothy Hamill's wedge cut from the 70's. I used to have my hair cut like hers while in college. He had a crush on her. I don't think I'm ready to go that short again.
I was supposed to fly to Philly tomorrow with BDHA and come home on Sunday. He would continue on with his trip. I've decided that going on an airplane would not be the best thing for me right now. You hear about airplanes being full of sick air.
We're watching "Lars and the Real Girl" right now. It's pretty funny. I recommend it. I'll post tomorrow and let you know how the wig hunt went.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year to everyone!
Let's hope the new year brings good news and good health for everyone.
Let's hope the new year brings good news and good health for everyone.
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