The directions say to not mix Zoloft and port...

Sorry if some of you were upset by yesterday's post but I can't pretend all the time to be upbeat and positive. I have to be able to vent now and then. It's healthier that way.

I received a call from my clinical coordinator today who told me that she had set up a tentative appointment to have the port put in on the 17th. This would be if it was okay with my meeting with Dr. L. on the 15th. She and Dr. Z didn't want me to have to wait to get an appointment after I met with Dr. L so they were proactive in getting me on the schedule now. I appreciate that. I guess they could tell I was getting anxious. It will be done as an out-patient. It looks like it will work out with BDHA's schedule too. He starts his flight that morning in Philly and the first thing he does is fly to Pittsburgh and is done at 8:30 a.m. My appointment is at 12:45 p.m. He's staying at a nice hotel downtown and I will come by and pick him up. We'll do the port thing and then head back to the hotel for dinner and spend the night. Then he'll head back to the airport the next morning and I'll head into work. That is, as long as we can convince MFD to take care of Mr. Whacko and I'm not in too much pain.

I saw my PCP today, Dr. B. This was more of a "how are you doing with all this shit going on in your life right now" meeting. He and I talked a lot about my feelings and how out of control I felt. He told me that this was a horrible thing I was dealing with and that I was probably trying to stay strong for family and friends and he didn't mind at all if I used my time with him to vent and I cry (which I did). I did feel so much better after knowing that I shouldn't be expected to be strong all the time. He said he could tell I hadn't given up and would continue to fight. He wanted to know if I thought I should take time off of work and I said no. Being at work with how hectic it is is the only time I feel "normal". I don't think about it. Nights and weekends are the worst. As a matter of fact, when I said that to my director at work today she said "You can work 24 hours a day if you want. I'm okay with that". Bet she doesn't realize how many times in the middle of the night I wish I could come in and work.

I did tell Dr. B that I wish I could just be numb and not so weepy all the time. Any time I have to talk about it to someone, I can't stop myself from crying. He told me to increase the ativan and he also prescribed Zoloft. He figures that I will need to be on it at least 6 months to get me through chemo and surgery and post-op stuff. He told me to not feel bad that I'm taking it because this is one of the most difficult things a human has to go through and it's there to help.

Tomorrow will be my first day taking it. I hate taking a new prescription if I'm not home. I have my ultrasound in the morning and have to be at work by 2:00 p.m. Let's hope that I don't get too loop-de-loop as Shirley Valentine would say {Favorite movie: Shirley Valentine}

BDHA put the lights on the tree today. We'll put the ornaments on when MFD and MFS are home. I love looking at the lights. I wonder if I can convince BDHA to keep the tree up until I'm through this process...probably not..the needles would be all over the place and would become a fire hazard. I'll take a nice picture and print it out to keep.

Good night all...