What I've changed my mind about recently...

I have to apologize for not posting for awhile. I've been extremely busy at work (everyone trying to refinance before the rates go back up) and have been too tired when I come home at night.

By the 4th day after my second treatment (the 15th), I was extremely tired. I only worked a half day that day because I had a PCP appointment that afternoon. Dr. B. was happy with my outlook. He said I seemed in a better frame of mind. I think it was more the fact that something was finally happening with my treatment then the drugs, but I'm still taking them. He also told me I was working too much and to remember that I was fighting a fight and needed my strength.

On the 17th, MFD and I were going to the Bride Show at the Hilton downtown. When I woke up that morning, I told BDHA that I was thinking he should buzz cut my hair that afternoon. I had these huge clumps of hair everywhere and it was starting to really gross me out. After the show, while waiting for MFD to get the car, I called BDHA and said "Find your clippers. It's coming off!" The three of us went upstairs to the bathroom (MFS was away at school) and I sat on a chair with my back to the mirror. My scalp was really sensitive so it hurt when he used the clippers. The first time I looked at myself in the mirror, I started to cry but was able to stop myself. I still had hair that was about 1/4 " long and it was bristley. Every time I touched my head, the hairs would poke me and hurt. BDHA left on a trip and for two days, every time I laid down, my head would hurt because of the hair. When he came back, I had him use his new electric shaver and get a closer cut. Because he had to push to get a really close shave and it hurt, he didn't. You can still see my hair and can tell that I still to this day, have a lot but it doesn't hurt.

I have the one wig I ordered through the catalog and I wear it occasionally. It is tight and gives me a headache after awhile. It's also fly-away and is constantly in my face driving me crazy. It also is nowhere near as warm as my real hair. My body heat regulator apparently is the back of my neck cause I'm constantly freezing now. I wear a scarf wrapped around my neck to stay warm.

I go Saturday to pick up the other wig. I hope it fits better and looks nice.

Mostly at work I wear a pink steelers knit hat. It's appropriate at this time (GO STEELERS!) and it keeps my head warm. I have to go pick out yarn and a pattern for my MoM to crochet me a hat or two.

What I've changed my mind about today....it's amazing how quickly one can go through the stages of grief (over losing my hair).

1. Shock & Denial--maybe I'll be different and not lose my hair
2. Pain & Guilt-if I hadn't been so lazy and had the mammos once a year I might not have had to go through the chemo.
3. Anger & Bargaining--Just let me only lose a little.
4. Depression--Zoloft seems to work.
5. The Upward Turn--Hey..maybe I won't lose it all after all (after 1st chemo)
6. Working through--I'm comfortable walking around with just a hat even though people can tell I've lost my hair. It's their problem and let them deal with it.
7. Acceptance--I've actually gotten comfortable enough to show my bald head to people at work. I actually still have a lot of hair left but it's no longer falling out.

We're having a tailgating party at work tomorrow and we're supposed to wear our Steeler's gear. I fleetingly thought about painting half my head gold and the other half black. Naaah...

BDHA says when I don't have my wig or hat on, I look like Charlie Brown...okay..I do find that amusing.

My third chemo is on Monday, February 2nd. I'll post after that.

Good night.